Welcome to the new me...

While I might not be completely different, some things have changed over the last week. These are things that I would consider good things (i.e. doing ok on the NYE resolutions):

1. I am cleaning up my language, but it's still hard when I'm around people who swear to not slide back a little... still a work in progress

2. I have been working out more consistently -- I'm starting to go curling on Sunday nights with some of my friends (yes, like the thing with the ice and brooms and big stones) and I got a PR today on the elliptical (4 mi in 30 min -- that's a 7:30 mi!). It's actually worked out quite nicely... right before I go down I start downloading the next lecture, I work out and listen to a sermon from an amazing church in TX (Village Church), and by the time I'm done I've gotten my mind off of studies and and ready to jump back in.

3. I have finally seen the benefit of streaming - even though my mother thinks that streaming lectures is bad, it really isn't. In fact, I feel like I'm getting WAY more out of watching lectures than actually going to them. Why? I can pause and re-listen to concepts I miss/don't understand and I can watch them on 1.8-2x normal speed (and yet the lecturers still seem to talk at normal speed --- this is the primary reason for streaming, in class by the time the lady finished her sentence I forgot what she was talking about, not so with the modern marvels of video streaming). I actually wake up and go to the first two hours of lecture because the guy is crazy (we're talking old dude running up and down stairs, jumping around, and throwing candy at people.... he does a good job of reinforcing ideas while making it seem like a circus act).

4. I've been a bit better about reading my Bible

5. I stood up for something that I didn't agree with... basically, without going into detail, I sent off an email in response to an email from my counselor about one of my test grades. I explained the situation from my point of view and while accepting part of the blame, made sure that it was clear that there were some problems with the content of an exam. He replied that he thought my response was a good analysis of the situation and forwarded it on to the course director and to the dean of students. (let me clarify that it was the worse written exam I've ever seen and a solid portion of the class did poorly).


Now, looking at the above things you would think that I was in a good place. However, this week has been rough (to say the least). I've really been struggling with "imposter syndrome" and trying to convince myself that I do actually belong in medical school. Nonetheless, anxiety has taken it's toll; yesterday the weight of it all got to the point that I had to call my mom and just get it all of my chest.

What it comes down to is this: medical school is hard. And that's not necessarily just the material, there is the whole emotional side and physical side. Emotions run thin in everyone (we're all just really good at hiding it, but given the right initiator and we will all explode) and the lifestyle is physically demanding (which seems counterintuitive because I find myself sitting and studying more than anything else... maybe it's just mental, or the hours necessary to put in).

However, there are somethings that I'm looking forward to over the next week:
1. Volunteering at a food bank tomorrow
2. Sunday school and church
3. Curling on Sunday night / watching the med school hockey team with my dental school friend (she's from church and dating one of my med school friends)
4. Being done with the clin med exam (shouldn't be bad, but just an extra stressor in an already stressful life)
5. Paige's birthday (tonight we celebrated Kara's -- mom, you should know that I stayed home in order to get rest instead of going out to the bar with everyone else)
6. CMDA retreat this weekend!
7. Getting kittens