Reflections

**Warning: Religious post... just skip it if you're not interested**

Sometimes I think that the only thing that identifies me as Christian is the fact that I go to church. How is my life different? It should be, that's what the Bible calls Christian to be... sanctified (a big word meaning set apart). How does this play out when in the "real world"?

These two questions have been on my mind all year, and to be honest, I still don't really know. I feel like living life is how you get the answers. And all I know is I feel like I not only failed at answering them, but living them out.

That's left me feeling pretty distant from God.

At the end of April I was re-reading some of my blogs from college (only 2 years ago mind you). As I sat there reading I was blown away by how close I seemed to God at the time. Even last year in Thailand I felt so close to His presence.

I know that my relationship with Christ is not judged on my feelings, but my distance has manifested itself in un-Christian (aka sinful) behavior. I'm not perfect and although I haven't done anything horrible... my imperfections this past year have lead me down a path that I'm not too happy with...

It's a path that my friend Bethie used to call me out on mixed with new challenges. And since I tend to be a pretty honest person I'm going to share them... cause I need them out there, I need people calling me out and pulling me back to the center.

The new challenges first: I think I've eluded to it before, but I tend to be easily swayed by the people I hang out with. It's my drive for acceptance. Don't get me wrong... the people I hang out with are amazing and I love them all to death. But they aren't like the people I've been around for the last 5 years in my different bubbles. I've found myself getting more cynical, using more language and not having my priorities in the same order. I cannot blame anyone but myself for this -- I should have been more keen to the changes that seemed to take place in my life.

The ever-old friend challenge has to do with my priorities, but it can be summed up more eloquently by Bethie: "KT, has it become an idol?" This can be related to so many different things, but it usually has to do with my school work. And in all honesty, my studies seem to go better when my priorities are right, but it's hard to keep it that way: I like to be in control and it's hard for me to give that control up.

Whenever things start going out of control I get this vivid picture of Beth and me walking back towards English Hall and her stopping me and asking the idol question (it happened more than once). Of course, my instant reaction was, "Beth... NO!" But the next day I would end up pulling her aside and saying something along the lines of "Beth, sometimes I hate that you can always pin point what's going on."

Needless to say, I'm longing to get back to where I was. I miss it and want to get rid of all this pent up crappiness in my life. I've found myself at this place before: needing to reconnect with God. But before my sophomore year I was really feeling like this (only not where I am now) and needed something to pull me back... I was given a book by my friend at Family Christian Store (where I was working at the time): Revive My Heart! by Catherine Martin. All I can say is WOW.

Since then I've gone back a few times to find the other books in the series to no avail... finally I gave up and ordered them from Amazon the other day. And now, in an effort to reconnect I'm going to try going through A Heart that Dances.

I've also realized that I need more Christian fellowship (outside of the medical field), so on a whim I went to the Sunday night service for young adults at my church. Again, all I can say is WOW and I can't wait to go again.

I guess the only way to end this is pray that God would meet me where I am and that I would feel his presence in my life again.